If you’re like me, you spend endless sleepless days and nights wondering–just what is the correct order of succession for the British throne? You find it impossible to concentrate at work, and you’ve lost close friends and loved ones to your obsession.
But now, thankfully, there’s help!
Friends! Like me, you are likely outraged by the terrible and obviously totally wrong casting of the ’50 Shades of Grey’ movie. And like me, you realize that there is clearly only one way to go that would make this movie completely good so it will not suck. That’s why I have started my own 50 Shades petition to change the casting.
CLICK HERE TO CAST BURT REYNOLDS AND DOLLY PARTON IN THIS MOVIE!
Who didn’t read ’50 Shades of Grey’ and picture Burt as the charming young seducer? Who didn’t see read all the narration from Anastasia in Dolly’s beautiful, pitch perfect Tennessee-twang?
Hey you guys! I’m sure you were as delighted by this guy as all the rest of humanity. In case you forgot, here’s his awesome bullshit, as transcribed by the lovely ParanoidShiksaFeminist, who actually found this masterpiece along her way somewhere in the outside world where we never go because INTERNET.
Whether you’re hoping to bag a has-been (word I can’t read) like T.I.’s “Tiny”, some young trim jailbait (???) like Rihanna, or perhaps the daughter of some old skool ho, like say Adina Howard. Uncle Ralph teaches you the ins and outs of hitting that bitch’s Video Music Box just right. Call 212.555.6900 and talk to Ralph about scheduling your first (???). Offer is not valid for the Queen Mrs. Mary J. Blige.
Well, I thought I would reach out to him, because just as luck may have it, I am in dire need of some R&B bitches! Sadly, I don’t think the conversation went my way:
What I tell LoniManderson, my boyfriend, compared to the actual truth.
What I tell my boyfriend: “No, honey, I’m fine, I don’t want anything from McDonald’s. You know I don’t eat that stuff; it’s so unhealthy and impure for my body. Besides I’m stuffed from the little salad I had for lunch. Thank you, though.”
The Actual Truth: “At lunch, I had a Big Mac and order McNuggets for a side. I created a saucing sampler platter, and tried combinations of various sauces . I had a large order of fries. I dipped them in Ranch dressing so they wouldn’t feel left out of the sauce party. Then I had two apple pies and washed it down with a vanilla milkshake. Seriously, I cannot eat one more bite.Thank you, though.”
So, this bullshit popped up on my Facebook feed today.
In the name of Internet women solidarity, I clicked the link. I’m now doomed to forever receive shit like this for the rest of my life, because Facebook now thinks I’m a sad old woman who keeps getting ‘shut out’ by men and is desperate for love.
Here’s what happened when I clicked the link.
I found these batshitcrazy neckties for your cat on Etsy (HAHAH BECAUSE OF COURSE). Apparently there’s a ton of them out there. Which tells me this is an actual thing that people actually buy.
Open letter to the assclown who keeps ‘offering’ his
useless fucking bullshit poignant critiques on our story on Ariel Castro’s suicide:
Dude. It is fucking midnight. I am working on two hours of sleep, mmkay? I was ready to hop into bed and start my CSI:New York marathon that always puts me to sleep (oh Gary Sinise. Your monotone voice and ruminations on criminal procedure lulls me to sleep like the song of a thousand angels)